The motivational power of constant nagging to write a blog post...

Yeah, I'm crap. I know. It's been over a year since I last wrote anything and I have no excuses.

Well, that's not quite true. I have an enormous pile of excuses but what they all boil down to is... I'm crap. However, I'm going to list some of them anyway and hope that I can gain some forgiveness and get some followers back!

1. I had another baby. Not a big deal really - after all, millions of people do it everyday. How on earth so many of them also manage to maintain blogs at the same time I have no clue. I couldn't remember how to put my shoes on, never mind formulate a sentence. DS2 (as he shall henceforth be known) is a hungry little monster who needed feeding every hour of the day and night. Sleep deprivation is real and it sucks. He's now almost 11 months old however and is sleeping [mostly] through so I no longer cry when faced with shoe laces.
2. I moved to Scotland. Once again, not a big deal. Lots of people do it. Had OH not been sunning himself at the Olympics followed by sunning himself on a jolly it probably would have been easier (he says he was working hard; the photographic evidence says otherwise). As it was I found myself moving 3 kids, a cat and a houseful of stuff on my own when DS2 was not quite 3 months old. Almost 8 months later and almost all the boxes are unpacked...
3. OH and his job have stressed me out. Lots. I coped really badly when he was away and although in my defence I did/do have post natal depression, I look back and cringe at my general uselessness and anxiety level. I really need to MTFU for the next trip as I am not putting any of us through that again.
4. I had/have PND. Not for the first time as I had it with DD as well but after escaping it with DS1 (yes, he's been rebranded thanks to the arrival of his baby brother) I didn't think I'd have it again. I'm through the foggy bit now and hopefully kicking the arse of the rest of it but as I've said in earlier posts, I don't write well when I'm unhappy and I've been very unhappy. 

I think that's probably enough for excuses. Over the last couple of months I've been able to give my head a shake and start getting back to what passes as normal for me. I've made an conscious effort to avoid negativity, slap a smile on my face and get my anti-social arse out of the house for something apart from the school run. There are a lot of very positive people round here who have been through a hell of a lot and still managed to keep smiling and it's started to rub off a bit. As well as getting back on top of the house and the kids I'm also actually doing a degree through the OU which is super scary but really exciting and although I'm only 2 months in, it's given me a bit of hope. It's going to keep me busy and stop me dwelling when OH goes away as well which can only be a good thing. Leaving my nice warm antisocial cocoon has helped the boys immensely too - being cooped up in our wee magnolia box with the world's most stressed-out Mummy wasn't good for them at all. I haven't forgotten DD but she has her own busy social life and a bedroom full of electronics so she probably didn't notice I was in the house to be honest...

So, all in all, I'm getting there and have finally listened to certain people who have been gently reminding me that I haven't posted in a while and got something down. I can't say for definite that it will continue as this year still has the potential to go a bit wonky (I've planned for a certain level of wonkiness but I'm learning that things can go more wonky than ever imagined in this life) but as long as I'm wearing my positive head, I may as well use it to write. 

The motivational power of Greggs sausage rolls.

I've been rubbish again in terms of keeping up with the blog. It seems that every time OH is home, I lose my motivation. I was actually spurred into action this morning by having a Greggs sausage roll for breakfast - something I have not done since I left work back in May. I then realised how long ago that actually was, how far we've come since then and thought I had better get round to the first blog post of the new year.


Having OH home for Christmas leave was fantastic. We had a real tree (which drove me crazy - my Mum was right), the easiest Christmas dinner in the world and a very relaxed couple of weeks which made the world seem right again. 


I had my 20 week scan and we are having another little boy. DD wasn't as upset by this as I thought she would be - her theory is that DS2 will play with DS1 and they will both leave her alone. Having two younger siblings myself, I know that this will never happen and they will both follow her around being annoying for all eternity but I shall leave her to work this out for herself.


OH passed out from Phase 2 training last week and will be heading up to HMS Neptune at the end of the month to start his SMQ. The kids and I went down to Gosport for pass-out and it was another lovely day. It was much less formal than the pass-out from Raleigh so I managed to relax and thoroughly enjoyed it. DD managed to tear herself away from her Nintendo DSi temporarily to watch proceedings and DS was happy 'Daddy-spotting' which was pretty amusing sometimes.


2012 will be the year of uncertainty. So far, we know OH will be starting his SMQ at the end of this month and at some point in May I will be having a baby. That's pretty much as planned as this year has got so far. Luckily, I'm too exhausted to have a total meltdown about this and I'm managing to be strangely calm.


Perhaps this will finally be the year that I learn to be spontaneous? Either that or my brain will explode and leak out of my ears.


I'm placing bets on the second option.

All I Want for Christmas...

OH is coming home tomorrow and I will have him here for just over a fortnight. This is the first time he will have been home for more than 48 hours since August and I absolutely cannot wait. 


When he gets home we can start to do Christmas properly. At the moment we don't have the tree or any decorations up as we want to do it all together so Saturday will be filled with pine needles and tinsel (and probably arguments as well!). Pretty much all of the presents have been bought and are waiting for OH's superior wrapping talents as I get fed-up with it very quickly and don't exactly do a brilliant job. Christmas dinner this year is not just any Christmas dinner; it is coming courtesy of M&S and means I can pretty much just bung it in the oven and spend the time with OH and the kids instead of stressing in the kitchen.


I want to make the most of this Christmas as next year it will be DD's turn to spend it at her Dad's, so it won't feel quite right. There is also the possibility that OH may not be able to come home, depending on which submarine he gets drafted to so it could just be me, DS and the baby next year. Hopefully, with it being the baby's first Christmas he will be able to come home but if he is on patrol, it won't be possible.


Military personnel coming home for Christmas have been in the news a lot recently. Usually it is the Army or Royal Marines that get all of the press but the Royal Navy have been getting their faces on television a fair bit as of late. I know a couple of people that have been surprised to discover that the Navy go away for long deployments, just the same as the Army do!

Most of the country has probably seen this video by now but to link to the title of the post I thought I may as well share it. The crew of HMS Ocean thought they were going for a 7 week deployment but then the conflict in Libya happened and they ended up away for 214 days in total. This video was made (in the fine tradition of Royal Navy lip-synching videos) when they found out that they would definitely be home for Christmas.


Another video that I would like to share is this one:

and this one:
Military Wives Choir welcome home HMS Turbulent


Although I wouldn't recommend viewing the videos if you are wearing make-up and have to be somewhere quite soon! 


This year, I am getting what I want for Christmas and it looks like an awful lot of other military WAGs are getting their Christmas wish too. Plenty of our sailors, submariners, soldiers, Royal Marines and aircrew will be unable to come home however. Many families will be celebrating Christmas without one or more people and we all hope that they will come safely home next year.

'Wherever You Are' by the Military Wives Choir is available for pre-order now with proceeds going to the Royal British Legion and the SSAFA. Even if you have managed not to shed a tear at the lyrics and video, isn't it worth supporting two excellent causes AND stopping Simon Cowell having another number one?

To quote the marvellous Mrs. Doyle

"Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on"

You know you want to!

Are you there? It's me...

I've had a really bad day today. Nothing major has happened, it's just the usual stresses involved with being stuck in the house with a two year old. It's just been an awful day. I've been feeling really positive all week but it seems that the high has been entirely hormonal and today I have hit the worst come-down I have had for quite a few years.

Sometimes I love being by myself. I have a fairly low tolerance for other people; something I seem to have inherited from my Dad. I like to be by myself, doing my own thing and not having to deal with interruptions that I could do without.

Today, being by myself was horrible. DS doesn't count as company since he can't talk apart from to ask for Peppa Pig. I didn't even have DD to speak to as she was at her Dads.

Ever since OH went away, I have had people comparing my situation to being a single parent. I have been a single parent and believe me, this is a thousand times worse. As a single parent I went out to work, had people to take DD off me for the weekend and was massively relieved to be away from a destructive relationship. Admittedly, I usually wouldn't speak to anyone once DD had gone to bed but I spent the rest of the day in company, kept busy and it wasn't the worst thing in the world.

Now I am stuck in the house, never get a minutes' peace and miss OH ridiculously. It's not the same at all. 

I know I make things worse for myself because I'm just so goddamn good at coping. I've lived away from home for twelve years and since I've been an adult I have never been able to rely on people who are just around the corner. Maybe I should learn to stamp my feet and demand attention but the people that I need are already overstretched and I don't want to put extra pressure on them.

I know that this is just a blip and that I will more than likely wake up tomorrow feeling positive again but it worries me that I am capable of feeling so low for no discernible reason. A chat with OH tonight has perked me up and he will be home for Christmas in five days time so at least I have something to look forward to.

Sometimes though, it would be nice not to be so expected just to cope.

To quarter or not to quarter, that is the question.

In previous posts, I have alluded to our living situation and how this may change now that OH is away. The plan was initially for me to return to my home town to be near my family but now that 6 months have passed and the reality of being a RN WAG is sinking in, it is becoming clear that a move back home may not be the best option as it will not solve the essential issue of us being apart.


I have always been very resistant to the idea of moving with OH. He started the RN application process three years ago and I have always said that I won't be moving onto base. The main reason for this is that I have wanted to keep DD near her Dad to ensure that their relationship is preserved. I did think about moving back home when we split up but I am glad I have stayed put for those extra few years as it has given them a chance that they would perhaps not have had if we had relocated when she was younger.


However, things have changed in the five years since the split and the situation is not the same as it was when I made the initial decision to stay. At the moment, OH is coming home as often as he can but due to lack of funds, this is usually only once a fortnight on average. He gets a travel allowance but at the moment we are waiting for the local council to tell us whether he is allowed to use this to get home or whether this must go to pay our rent. There is likely to be a rant about this in a later post. So it may be that we see him even less than we do currently and of course when he is deployed, he will not be coming home at all. Due to his career choice, there will be large chunks of each year when we cannot even have any contact with him, making the time he is on land even more precious.


So, I have a really hard decision to make. Luckily, OH's job role will mean that he won't be hopping about from base to base and will probably stay in one place (when he's on land, anyway) for pretty much his whole career. Out of the bases he could have ended up at, he will be going to the one that is closest to our current location and it is not an unreasonable journey by train or by car.  


I've been thrashing out the pros and cons of MQ for a while now. So far, the pros far outweigh the one con - moving DD away from her Dad. I'm not saying that she'd never see him. In fact, as she is more likely to want to stay with him in blocks over school holidays, she will probably see him more than she does at the moment. It is just going to be the 'distance factor' that will cause issues although I have a fair few ideas on how to make that work as well.


The pros? Well, cost is a major factor. The most we will pay for a quarter will be £300 less than we are paying in rent at the moment and is likely to be even cheaper unless we are very lucky with the property! This means that we can stop relying on benefit to help with our rent and will still be slightly better off than we are at the moment.

OH will be home every night he is not working. Although he is exceptionally good at annoying me, he is quite useful to have around sometimes... I should be less exhausted and stressed and the kids will benefit from having us both there. It also means that he is more likely to be home for the first steps, the first words etc that he would almost definitely miss otherwise.


The community is another pro on the list. There are no phone calls, emails or blueys for submariners and I am dreading OH being away as although I am sure people will sympathise, even infantry at the frontline in Afghan will usually get a weekly phone call. Being with other families in the same position makes a lot of sense and although it won't be the same as having my family around, I have been told that the support network is the best there is.


There are other things that make us think that MQs are the way to go but even if it were just those three reasons, I think they are good enough. I need to be thinking about the family that DD and I have now, rather than the family we used to have. 


There is always the possibility that she will prefer to stay here with her Dad and that is a risk we will have to take although I am not sure she will be old enough at the age of 9 or 10 to make that decision. It may also be that I am prevented from taking her by the legal system although at the moment, the parental rights lie with me alone. It will be a 'cross the bridge when we come to it' situation I think.


Moving into married quarters will entail actually getting married and as I am not one of the lucky ones who 'bloom' when pregnant, that isn't going to be happening for a while yet. As I also tend to look like I've eaten my entire family by the time I give birth, I will also have a bit of weight to lose! So I'm not about to haul the family onto base in the next few months.


The decision has not been made and it will not be made for a fair while yet. I am still chewing over the options and trying to think of how I can do what is best for everyone. I think the question in the title of the post will still be on my mind for a long time to come.

We will remember them.

So, it seems that hormones and Remembrance Sunday don't mix. I got very emotional watching the ceremony at the Cenotaph this morning and it's a good job that the service wasn't followed by the donkey sanctuary advert or I would probably still be crying now. Luckily, it was followed instead by Sebastian Vettel having a first lap puncture which cheered me up no end!


It wasn't just the hormones though. I think this year was different as we are officially a forces family now. OH was at Westminster for the service in the Abbey and although I didn't spot him on TV at the Cenotaph, I am still stupidly proud of him. Obviously, he has not yet been deployed or seen active service but there is no doubt that this will happen in the near future.


OH is not the first family member in the military, however. DD had issues with wearing her poppy last year as some of the girls at school made fun of her for wearing it. When November 11th started to come round again, I was determined to make sure she wore it.

This year she was armed with the knowledge that OH is in the Royal Navy; her Great Grandma, Great Grandad and Great Great Uncle Ron were in the Royal Air Force during WWII; her Great Great Uncle Doug was in the Army and her Great Great Grandad served in the Army in WWI. There may be more but I only really know about my Mum's side of the family in this respect. 

So DD has worn her poppy with pride this year. I think being given permission by me to tell anyone giving her grief to "suck it" buoyed her confidence slightly. Maybe not the most adult of responses but I was having a juvenile moment at the time!


Remembrance Sunday and Armistice Day are two traditions in this country that we seem to continue to be proud of. No matter how many factions try and destroy the pride, the meaning of the poppy and the importance of the two minutes silence is being passed on through generations. The names of the fallen since last Remembrance Sunday were shown this morning during the ceremony and that list demonstrates how important it is that the country at large continues to show their respect, gratitude and belief in our armed forces, irrespective of what we may believe politically. I do think that the two can be separated.


To them, it's just a job. To us, it's much more than that. Lest we forget.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

I know, I know. It's been two months. I'm a very bad blogger. There has been a very good reason for the gap though - I'm rubbish at keeping secrets!


Those of you who are facebook friends will now know that OH and I are expecting another baby in May next year. I had my dating scan yesterday and everything is good so far which means I can finally break my silence. 


I've been staying clear of the blog as I knew there was no way I could not give it away. Especially since all I had to talk about was my inability to keep anything in my stomach and desperate need to sleep every minute of the day. I still can't keep food down and would cheerfully sleep until the baby is born but at least I can let people know why now.


DD is happy about the baby although she has specifically requested a sister, so hopefully she'll continue being happy after the next scan. DS doesn't have a clue what is going on but that's pretty much par for the course with him anyway. OH is obviously very chuffed, especially as we managed to conceive pretty much straight away and he credits this entirely to his 'super sperm'. I obviously had nothing to do with it at all...


There are days when I think we're totally insane to be having another one, mainly the days where DD and DS scream at each other constantly and I just want to run away! It's not going to be easy with OH being away although we're now talking about changing the long term plan. Now that I'm definitely not going to be going back to work for a while, there is no real reason for us not to be living as a family so looks like a wedding and married quarters will be on the cards at some point in the next year. This is going to cause problems in some areas but it'll solve more problems than it causes so I think I've been a bit daft being so resistant to it so far!


That's it for now but I'll be back shortly to have a good whinge about certain things that have happened in the last couple of months. This is not going to be the world's most stress free pregnancy by any means!