Autumn days, when the grass is jewelled...

It was back to school this morning for DD. She is in Year 4 this year and is starting to look really grown up. Worryingly tall as well! We had the usual problems that accompany a school morning - DD needing to be crowbarred out of bed; spending more time staring into space with the spoon halfway to her mouth than eating her breakfast; and reading 'The Railway Children' rather than putting some clothes on but we did make it eventually. 


Watching her walk into the playground in search of her friends, I started to reminisce about my own days at primary school. I was very lucky in that I attended an excellent school and I have some very fond memories.


It was a very small school in terms of both the building itself and the number of children it could hold. There were only five classrooms and 140 children, so of course everybody knew everybody else. As the school was not big enough to be split into Infants and Juniors, there were often a number of children from the same family together in assembly, at lunch and at playtime. 


It was a Church of England school, connected by a small wooden bridge over the beck to the parish church where my parents were married and my sisters and I were baptised and although the area it was in was very much part of the main town by then, many people (including my Grandparents) still referred to it as 'The Village'. The parish priest came into assembly every Tuesday morning and the curate of the time was fed to the wolves in Friday assembly. Out of the four curates who were posted with the church whilst I was at the school, some did markedly better than others when it came to dealing with the children. Being asked to draw a picture of God by one of my sisters can't have been the easiest task in the world!


I was at primary school a fair few years ago and in those days there was much less interference from the government in terms of a hard and fast curriculum and targets. My year didn't do SATs until Year 9 and the closest we got to any kind of testing at primary school was the mental arithmetic each morning and the famous times table test in Class 5. I'm sure that my teachers did have certain things they had to teach us at certain times but it all seemed to be very ad hoc and due to this it was incredibly enjoyable. DD has had a set timetable for her lessons since Year 1 and has had homework since Reception class. There seems to be a lot to cram in to a week at school these days and although I am sure that focus groups and OFSTED are ecstatic about it, it doesn't seem to be that much fun for the children.


I am probably remembering through rose-tinted glasses but things were much less structured back then. If we were doing maths (Scottish Maths books - remember them?) before lunch and we were all getting on ok, we were allowed to continue after lunch. We didn't have to drop things and move onto something else. 


Time on the (now ancient but at the time very state of the art) BBC computers was given as a reward and an incentive. PE would make the HSE these days cry - clambering around untethered on rickety metal apparatus or playing shinty were my particular favourites. 


Creative writing was very much encouraged and if we were on a roll we could continue until the piece was finished. I despair when reading DDs exercise books as it is obvious she has not been allowed time to finish stories properly and has rushed the ending. Think Stephen King and you get the picture.


Our headteacher was allowed to teach, rather than being cloistered in his office completing paperwork. Our deputy head was also the class 5 teacher. Mums would come into school and help us with our reading and the dinner ladies were for the most part related to at least one child eating. 


We had proper assemblies every morning and we sang hymns and various other songs every day. I was surprised recently to hear Johnny Cash singing "Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream" and it occurred to me that it probably wasn't a hymn after all! There are some songs that instantly take me back to school and one of them popped into my head this morning to inspire the title of this post.


Alumni of Cockerton Primary - all together now:


"So I musn't forget, no I mustn't forget, to say a great big thank you, I musn't forget".

Stresshead? Moi?

I can't believe it's been almost a month to the day since I wrote my last post. It honestly doesn't feel that long and I'm quite annoyed with myself for letting it go that far. The blame lies totally with OH for coming home and distracting me!


OH is back at HMS Sultan now and the kids and I are starting to settle back into our routine. One thing I am finding harder this time is not being able to do a countdown as we don't know for definite when OH will be back again. All being well he will be allowed weekend leave from next week but actually coming home is very much dependent on funds being available from our household budget for his travel as the Navy don't do travel warrants any more.


He will be getting a monthly travel allowance but this obviously has to be declared for Housing Benefit and Tax Credit purposes so chances are we will end up with exactly the same amount of spare money at the end of it all - nothing. 


Train fare is obscenely expensive so OH will be hoping to car share with other people who happen to be driving up this way, hence us not knowing for sure when this will be. All being well, we should be in a position by next summer to get him his own car which will make life an awful lot easier and enable me to actually plan things. 


I'm a bit of a control freak and feel very uneasy when I can't plan ahead. I like knowing exactly what I am doing and when and I don't do spontaneity very easily. This drives people around me slightly insane. For instance, I am struggling at the moment with our budget as OH has been paid different amounts each month so far and I have the nagging feeling that something is a bit wrong somewhere. 


I have our budget on a very pretty Excel spreadsheet with fields that change automatically when different values are entered (this may sound very basic to most people but I'm not great with Excel and am still massively proud of being able to create this) but I have given up using it for the time being and have gone back to basics with a tally on an envelope in the kitchen drawer.


I'm not very good at putting nagging worries to the back of my mind and forgetting them. I tend to prod away at small niggles until they have opened up into great big festering, screaming traumas. When DD was little she was obsessed with the Mr Men and I felt a kindred spirit in Mr Worry - when the wizard took away his worries he worried about not having anything to worry about! My inability to chill out has driven people barmy for many a year and although this is a personality fault I am well aware of, I really am incapable of changing at this stage of my life.


OH is very laid back and I feel that we compliment each other well. I kick him into action every so often and he calms me down and talks me off the proverbial ledge on a much more frequent basis. The difficulty is times like this when he isn't here and I am sometimes in danger of losing the plot completely. 


At times like that the only real solution is to eat cheese, watch some wrestling and try and remember where I put my marbles. Think I may go and do that now.

When I grow up I want to be...

I have found it hard to think of a post topic this week but for once this has not been due to writer's block or due to being unhappy - I just haven't had time to get my brain in gear. The parade last weekend was fantastic - I didn't cry as much as I expected to do which was a good thing and I am just so incredibly proud of OH and his fellow recruits as they put on a fabulous show.


The trip to Cornwall wore me out and now OH has come home early for summer leave - seems being a submariner has it's perks - so I just haven't had any time to write.


I am thoroughly enjoying having OH home and DS is over the moon. DD is still on holiday with her Dad but will be back tomorrow afternoon and my little family will be complete again. Typically, the weather is rubbish but all being well we will have a couple of days of sunshine so that we can get out and about. It feels such a waste of the time we have to spend it in the house if we can possibly avoid it.


OH is home until the end of the month but then it will be back to just the three of us, at least during the week anyway as OH will try and get home on weekends as much as possible. DD will be going into Year 4 at school (second year juniors for those people who like me, think in 'old money') and DS and I will settle back into our routine. I think I have pretty much got the hang of this routine now so I want to do something a bit different and try and exercise my brain a bit, especially since I am no longer working. 


At some point, I do want to go back to work although as I have no idea where we will be living or when we will be able to afford the childcare cost, I really do not know what my next job will be. As I said in a previous blog post, I loved my old job but I don't think I will be going back to that kind of work. I would like to do something totally different but do not have a clue what that would be!


Something I know I would like to do however is get a few more qualifications. I have a number of GCSEs and three good A Levels but unfortunately did not complete my degree. There are a few reasons for this (a lack of money once I stopped working 2 jobs in order to concentrate on my third year, for one) but ultimately I just wasn't interested enough in the subject and the course to put the effort in to complete it. I regret not being as stubborn as I usually am when I requested to change courses in my first semester at uni and was talked out of it by my tutor. I don't know for certain that I would have completed the course I wanted to change to either but I think I would have been more motivated by the subject matter and that surely would have helped significantly.


In hindsight, having gained much better A Level grades than was expected of me I should have put university off for a year, got a job and reapplied to different courses the next year. There's not much I can do about my decision now though - hindsight is a fantastic thing but until it comes with a time machine it's pretty much useless.


This then begs the question, what would I have studied? I have never really known what I wanted to be when I grew up and was always the child who would change her mind every five minutes. I still do not know what I want to be and I am very nearly grown up now! I do wish that I had not cut myself off from science and maths after my GCSEs - I came out of school thinking that I was not that good at them when in reality I was, just not compared to the future Oxbridge brains of some of my classmates.

I have a nagging feeling that it is time to reawaken the science side of my brain so have signed up for a short Open University course for people who have not done science or maths for a few years (I think 14 qualifies as a few) and will start the course in October. All being well, my brain will not explode or leak out of my ears and I may possibly go on to do a longer course or even an open degree.


I don't want to end up doing a degree just for the sake of doing one though - that's really where I went wrong initially and I know that I would be even less motivated now after so long out of formal education. I intend to have fun testing the waters and seeing which subject (if any) jumps out at me and comes alive. 


Maybe I was meant to do this backwards - when I work out what I want to be, I can finally admit to being grown up.

2 more sleeps! The end is nigh.

The title of the post says it all really. 66 days down, 2 to go. Tomorrow morning I will be awaiting the arrival of my Mum and Step-Dad and we shall be driving down to Cornwall in preparation for OH's passing-out parade on Friday.


When I think back over the last ten weeks, it's amazing how quickly the time has actually gone. The first fortnight was by far the hardest - I was adjusting to being by myself and the kids were unsettled and making life very difficult. I knew OH was very homesick and I had to be strong when we spoke on the phone so as not to make things worse for him, which meant that I had to hide my emotions until after the call. 


My youngest sister, Laura was an absolute godsend during this time and would ring me a couple of times a day so I could 'unload'. My friend Claire was also fantastic and would take my mind off things by regaling me with gossip from my old team at work. I cannot thank Laura and Claire enough for keeping me sane through the last 10 weeks.


I have managed to keep myself fairly busy - as I've said in a previous post it is surprising how quickly a day goes even though I am at home. Writing this blog has helped and seems to have opened some other doors for me too. I fully intend to continue posting on a regular basis as putting my thoughts into words has become very satisfying and enjoyable once more. There are a number of things that will be happening in the next few months that hashing out in a blog post will help to sort through so this is certainly not going to stop.


I have to admit that I am tremendously nervous about Friday. I think the bulk of the nerves is the sense of anticipation - I haven't seen OH for almost 10 weeks and I'm so looking forward to first catching a glimpse of him in his uniform. When it comes to the actual parade, I know that I will be in floods of tears (which reminds me - waterproof mascara needs to be bought today!) and he is well aware that I am unlikely to let go of him all weekend. 


We will only have the weekend together as he has to go to his next base on Sunday afternoon, although he will be home for his 3 week summer break next Friday night. DD will be home from her holiday next weekend too and we will have 3 weeks together as a family before my Mum steals DD for the annual 'week of being spoilt rotten by Grandma'.


When OH got his date and I told people at work that he would be away for so long, many people said things along the lines of "I couldn't do that - I couldn't cope" and "you're a better person than me if you'll let him go". I put on a brave face as I honestly didn't think I would cope either but I have done it and I know now that when he is away living on base (more on that to come at a later date) and at sea, I can do it again.


I have a lot to do today so will leave this post here but I will be back next week and starting the countdown again (albeit a much shorter one). Thanks for reading.

CCCS - not just another employer.

Up until now, my posts have been very much linked to the title of my blog but today I would like to deviate slightly and talk about something else. As much as I would love to spend the next half hour watching Peppa Pig, I feel that there might be a slightly better use of my time available.

As those of you who know me will be aware, until recently I worked for the debt and money advice charity Consumer Credit Counselling Service (www.cccs.co.uk). I worked for them for 5 and a half years and I can honestly say that it was the best job I have had. One of the reasons for this is that I was genuinely proud of the work that they do and the real effect that this company has on the lives of many people.

For those of you who are not familiar with the work of CCCS, they are not a Debt Management Company (DMC) but are a charity and as such do not charge for the services they provide. They counsel people from all walks of life who, for whatever reason, have found themselves in financial difficulty and are unable to pay their liabilities. For some people, a chat with a counsellor and the creation of a realistic, sustainable budget is all that they need to bring things under control and get back in the black without any further assistance.

For others, a little more support is needed and Debt Management Plans (DMPs) are available, free of charge, to offer fair payments to creditors and help clients become debt free, however long it takes. Highly trained support staff are at the end of the phone or can be contacted by email to help reassure people who are in a worrying position, most for the first time in their lives.

Other services are on offer too - help with benefit advice, help with mortgage issues and detailed insolvency care to name just a few. For people who are not in trouble with debt, they have an online service that can help people put the money they have to better use, such as making sure they are adequately insured or are able to set aside money for a rainy day.

Today is the third CCCS #debtday on Twitter and it is worth searching for @moneyaware and following the activities throughout the day. The charity do not advertise at present and rely very much on word of mouth to get out to the people who need their help. If I had a pound for every client who had said to me "I wish I'd known about CCCS before things got this bad" I probably wouldn't be able to live in luxury but I would certainly have a better car!

As with all jobs, there were trials and tribulations during my employment but at the end of it all, I have a box of thank you cards and emails from clients and I think that shows that what CCCS do is vital, especially in the current climate. 

Ironically, I went for the job initially as it was one of the few that did not want a credit check doing which was very important to me in my post-university years! My experiences have led to a much better understanding of budgeting and money management and I know that the lessons I have learnt will be passed down to DD and DS.

So if you think you might need a helping hand with your finances, give them a call (0800 138 1111) or check out the website. If you are on top of your money, still check out http://www.facebook.com/moneyaware and read the blogs - there is no such thing as too much information when it comes to keeping in the black.

Thank you CCCS. Bigging up - done!

Bored. Boring. Bored.

The purpose of this blog was initially to get over my writer's block which it did seem to do at first. The lack of words came back with a vengeance over the last fortnight though. It has become apparent that my ability to write is directly linked to my mood and unlike the tortured artists out there I cannot put words on screen when I am unhappy.


It is very tempting just to forget about writing but I need to push myself and get something out. When I write a blog post and receive good feedback from readers it makes me feel happy so it is counter-productive to stop writing entirely due to my mood. I have also been asked to write a post for my ex-employers so thought I should probably warm my brain up on my own blog first!


The reason for my unhappiness is for once not to do with OH being away although that isn't helping. As ever, money is the root of all evil and misery. It's very frustrating to be struggling to get ourselves straight and although we know that the lack of cash is only going to be for a year or so, it doesn't help with the immediate problems of rent, bills and food! It's quite scary to think that if both OH and I were working we would be even worse off than we are now due to the added burden of childcare with little or no help from Tax Credits due to the new thresholds. 


The shortage of money and the appalling summer we are having in terms of weather means that I am forced to spend most of my days at home with DS and we are both bored to tears. This isn't good for either of us but there are very few free indoor activities that will get us out of the house. There is also a limit to what we are able to do indoors. He takes after his father in terms of having zero attention span and any attempts to paint, colour or bake with him will result in a tantrum five minutes into the activity. He is far more interested in breaking things and taking things apart than any constructive work whatsoever. Hopefully, over the summer holidays he and DD will be able to entertain themselves as she seems to be far better at occupying him than I am.


There are now less than two weeks before OH is home for the weekend and I can't wait. We will still be skint but just having him around will be such a change from the last two months. We also won't have time to be bored :)

Is it that time already?

It's funny how quickly a new routine becomes the norm. I've been on my own without OH for 6 weeks now and to be honest, the time is now flying by. It doesn't seem like it's been a full week since I was so happy that we'd hit the magic halfway mark but it has and we're now into the last month of Part 1 training.

One of the things I was most worried about when I handed my notice in at work was that time would drag and every day at home would feel like a lifetime. The first couple of weeks did indeed seem like a year but the human brain is a marvellous thing and it seems that there is a secret Stay at Home Mum survival section which allows time to pass quickly. It must be linked to the bit of the brain that cancels out memories of pregnancy and labour.

If anything, my days are passing more quickly at the moment than they ever did at work. DS and I have settled into a pattern which suits us both although this will probably change during the 6 weeks holiday when DD is at home as well. It's not like I'm filling my days with toddler groups, coffee mornings or play dates either although at some point I suppose I will need to get round to 'socialising' DS. I hate that word though; he's a toddler, not a dog! 

I always wondered how DD never seems to know what she has done at school, as if I drop her off to stare at the wall for 6 hours but now I have some appreciation that 6 hours goes really fast and her brain is probably in a whirl when I pick her up. I have lost track of time and been shocked that it is already 3 o'clock and time to leave the house on a number of occasions recently.

At work, days seemed to drag, even when I was busy. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed my job - but the working week lasted forever. There were certain milestones within the week to get past and marking these became my way of counting down to the weekend.

Monday morning's first appointment was always a hurdle; mostly complicated and made worse by not really being awake. Getting through that was such a relief.

Tuesday was usually broken up nicely by Team Brief but that was not always a good thing! Team Brief Tuesday's had a habit of being quite draining. Once again however, getting through it meant I could tick off one more hurdle on my mental list.

Wednesday was the half-way point and usually marked by Coops or Fiona exclaiming that we had broken the back of the week when we made it to lunchtime unscathed. 

Thursday was made remarkable by the reappearance of Claire (my part-timer best friend) and the catching up on a couple of days of gossip, despite usually having spoken on the phone at least once a day that week so far. 

Friday was my favourite day. It would start with a text from or to Claire, asking "shall we do breakfast?" as if there was every any doubt in the matter. It got to be such a routine that Nosh didn't even need to ask our order. As well as being Breakfast Day, it was the only day of the week that both Claire and Laura (my other part-timer friend) were in the office and this made the day go much quicker. Before long it was the weekend but even this was tainted by the knowledge that Monday was not far off and the countdown would begin again.

I suppose it's possible that counting the days when at work actually made things worse. Perhaps the reason why time is moving more quickly now is that I no longer think in terms of specific hurdles to get over but concentrate on weeks to go instead. Children seem to have the right idea when they count 'sleeps' to an event they are looking forward to. My brain seems to have made the necessary adjustments to help me cope; as well as making time speed up, it has also added a mute button to the part of my head that used to be unable to ignore CBeebies. I think that helps.

28 sleeps.