I have had the title of this post in mind since Monday when I watched The Simpsons with DD and saw Apu sitting on top of the house, singing about his Kwik-E-Mart. It's ever so easy to pretend you don't need something but there are times when it is more beneficial to admit to the need. Apu realised this after putting on a brave face in front of the Simpson's for their trademark song and dance number. As Homer says, "He lied to us through song!". The reason for this post? It is time for me to stop pretending that I don't need my family.
My family are naturally concerned about me at the moment. I was having a bad time of it a couple of weeks ago and now they all want to check up on me and make sure I haven't lost it completely! My Mum and Step-Dad came to see us for the day yesterday and I think now Mum may stop worrying as she has seen that the kids and I are fine. My baby sister is coming to stay at the weekend and my middle sister will be coming in a few weeks time. I have spoken to my Dad but we're both as useless as each other when it comes to remembering to pick up the phone. I get my tendency to forget why I have gone into a room from him, I think. The concern is apparent though and it is much appreciated.
I've always been the more independent of the three sisters. I left home at 18, moved to university and have stayed 60 miles away from my home town for the last twelve years. I have resisted moving back even though there have been many times when I could have easily done so. Even then I always managed to justify staying away.
Now that OH will be away for long periods of time and I have given up work, I can no longer find excuses and must admit to myself that I miss my hometown and my family.
In the few months between OH receiving his joining date and leaving work, I was asked countless times when I would be moving onto base with him. The answer was always "I'm not - I'm staying here". Now that reality has kicked in however, the answer has changed slightly. I still will not be moving onto base with him (for reasons that I may explain in a later post) but it is time to move myself and the kids further north and return home.
The simplest reason for this decision is the need for support - not just for me but for DD and DS as well. When my sisters and I were little, my Mum's parents were a big influence in our lives. We spent a lot of time at their house and we have many very happy memories of the garden, the mantelpiece and the pantry! DD and DS have a variety of grandparents and step-grandparents scattered around the country and although they love them lots, it is a shame that they don't get to see them more often. I know my Mum is frustrated that she can't help me as much as she would like to and I think that she may relax a lot more when she has the kids (and me as well) nearby. The support won't just be a one way street, either. As much as we like to think of parents as invincible, they have bad times too and being closer to home will help both sides.
My sisters have wanted me to come home for many years but I have always maintained that we get along better with a few miles between us. Memories of constant arguments and one sister always being left out of things that the other two were getting up to stopped me from putting myself back into that situation. Now that we are older and (possibly) more sensible, the three of us can be the shoulders to cry on, the arms to lean on and the feet to dance with that we all need.
To my family: I love you all, I miss you and I need you. I'll be home soon xxx
Thursday 23 June 2011
Monday 20 June 2011
It's the little things that make me smile
I was quite surprised to find that I really enjoyed writing yesterday and that the words came much more easily than I expected. I'm tempted to go with the theory that my writing dried up during a period of great unhappiness and even though I am not at my most sparkling just at this moment, I am generally settled and extremely happy with my OH.
It is easy to forget that life is not all tears and tantrums, especially with a two year old in the house who regularly provides plenty of both. There are times when I am desperate for five minutes peace which never seems to come. Even when I am low however, there are little things that never fail to make me smile and remember that I am very lucky indeed.
This morning for instance, I received a picture message on my mobile phone. To explain, I watched 'Civvie to Sailor' yesterday which followed a group of Royal Navy recruits through Part 1 training at HMS Raleigh. I enjoyed seeing the base where OH is living at present and it was good to have an idea of what he is doing in his training. When I spoke to him last night I mentioned that I can't wait to see him in his uniform when I attend his passing out parade - he said that I should see him in his day to day uniform as well as the ceremonial dress. So he sent me a picture. I cannot actually convey in words how proud I am of him but I have had a smile on my face all morning from that one small gesture.
There are other small things that make me smile too: when DD announces that her Slam Attax collection is now "bigger than Jefferson's and that is so cool"; when DS tries to sing along with the theme tune to 'Small Potatoes'; when my baby sister calls me and a photo of us at Party in the Park flashes up - randomly selected by my phone but guaranteed to make me smile and think of McFly.
I try and make sure that little things make other people smile too. Buying a pack of Slam Attax for DD when she has had a long day at school will always provoke a smile (and a hug too, as long as we're not in public). Popping some fresh peas from the pods into a bowl for DS results in lots of jumping up and down, accompanied by shouts of "peas, please!". Sending a photo of the kids or a drawing from DS to my OH also hopefully results in the same effect. Although maybe with less jumping.
I am determined to turn the recent upheaval into a positive thing for my family and that requires me to be positive as well. The little things that make me smile go a long way towards helping with the positivity and remind me that not only is life not all bad, it is very good indeed.
Sunday 19 June 2011
Mum, where's Daddy?
As it is Father's Day it seems appropriate that my second post should be to explain the title of the blog.
Four weeks ago today, my fiance got the train down to HMS Raleigh to start his Part 1 training as an ETME(SM) in the Royal Navy. The longest we have been apart before now in the three and a bit years we have been together has been 2 nights and that has only happened three times. Needless to say, the last month hasn't been easy and although I am settling into the routine now I know it is going to continue being very difficult for some time to come.
My daughter knows where he has gone and knows when we will see him again. She is used to upheaval unfortunately and has become quite adept at coping and settling down. She has spent half of her life living between two parents in two houses and it helps that she is eight going on eighteen, I think.
Our son however is only two and this has been a big shock for him, especially since he has had Daddy all to himself at home for the last year whilst I was at work. At present he is learning to join words together in small sentences, so it didn't take long for him to come out with the heartbreaking question "Mum, where's Daddy?". I can't explain to him where Daddy is in a way that he will understand as "Daddy's at work" doesn't quite cut it when he has been used to me coming home from work at 5pm and expects Daddy to come home on an evening as well. He is also too young to have any concept of time so the tools that would be so useful for a slightly older child (a calendar counting down the sleeps until we see him again for instance) aren't appropriate at this stage.
He has now thankfully stopped looking out of the window and shouting for Daddy every time he sees our neighbour (who did the station run for us so I could avoid sobbing on the platform) come home in the car. He has found a passport photo of his Dad and has been carrying it round with him, showing it to his toys and occasionally (rather disturbingly) licking it! He 'speaks' to Daddy on the phone on a weekend and has a huge smile on his face when he does so.
The one positive side of his age at the moment is that as he grows up, this will be the norm. Daddy works away. The decision to rejoin the Navy was born from the need to be a Dad that our son can be proud of - someone who loves what he does for a living. In the long run the decision will pay off.
So this Father's Day, we will have to be content with a phone call and some chocolate sent with the card in the post. There will be many other days and weeks in the future where Daddy is not here and Father's Day will become a floating date in the calendar depending on leave, travel warrants and many other details. Our son will learn that Daddy is away to give us a better life and we all love him very much for it.
Four weeks ago today, my fiance got the train down to HMS Raleigh to start his Part 1 training as an ETME(SM) in the Royal Navy. The longest we have been apart before now in the three and a bit years we have been together has been 2 nights and that has only happened three times. Needless to say, the last month hasn't been easy and although I am settling into the routine now I know it is going to continue being very difficult for some time to come.
My daughter knows where he has gone and knows when we will see him again. She is used to upheaval unfortunately and has become quite adept at coping and settling down. She has spent half of her life living between two parents in two houses and it helps that she is eight going on eighteen, I think.
Our son however is only two and this has been a big shock for him, especially since he has had Daddy all to himself at home for the last year whilst I was at work. At present he is learning to join words together in small sentences, so it didn't take long for him to come out with the heartbreaking question "Mum, where's Daddy?". I can't explain to him where Daddy is in a way that he will understand as "Daddy's at work" doesn't quite cut it when he has been used to me coming home from work at 5pm and expects Daddy to come home on an evening as well. He is also too young to have any concept of time so the tools that would be so useful for a slightly older child (a calendar counting down the sleeps until we see him again for instance) aren't appropriate at this stage.
He has now thankfully stopped looking out of the window and shouting for Daddy every time he sees our neighbour (who did the station run for us so I could avoid sobbing on the platform) come home in the car. He has found a passport photo of his Dad and has been carrying it round with him, showing it to his toys and occasionally (rather disturbingly) licking it! He 'speaks' to Daddy on the phone on a weekend and has a huge smile on his face when he does so.
The one positive side of his age at the moment is that as he grows up, this will be the norm. Daddy works away. The decision to rejoin the Navy was born from the need to be a Dad that our son can be proud of - someone who loves what he does for a living. In the long run the decision will pay off.
So this Father's Day, we will have to be content with a phone call and some chocolate sent with the card in the post. There will be many other days and weeks in the future where Daddy is not here and Father's Day will become a floating date in the calendar depending on leave, travel warrants and many other details. Our son will learn that Daddy is away to give us a better life and we all love him very much for it.
Go away writer's block!
During a recent discussion with a friend regarding a post from her blog, the topic of my long-standing writer's block was raised. My friend suggested that I start a blog of my own and see if getting back into the habit of writing would help. So here I am.
I used to write all the time when I was younger. It seemed that my brain couldn't hold all the ideas so they came spilling onto paper on a regular basis. I would write stories, diaries, songs and poems but for some reason the ability to pour forth my ideas dried up whilst I was at university. That was more than a decade ago and I have struggled to write ever since.
I now have an eight year old daughter who loves to write. She spends hours at her desk creating worlds for herself and her friends and I envy her ability to do so.
There is a lot going on in my life at the moment and by starting to blog I am hoping that it will help me sort through the issues and see them more clearly; an essay plan for life, if you will! I am sure I will make mistakes in grammar and syntax but my aim is to not only sort through what is occurring in my head but to regain the joy of writing as if I were eight years old again.
This is the longest piece of text I have managed to achieve in a number of years so I shall leave it here for now. In my next post I will start to explain more where I am and why I am here!
I used to write all the time when I was younger. It seemed that my brain couldn't hold all the ideas so they came spilling onto paper on a regular basis. I would write stories, diaries, songs and poems but for some reason the ability to pour forth my ideas dried up whilst I was at university. That was more than a decade ago and I have struggled to write ever since.
I now have an eight year old daughter who loves to write. She spends hours at her desk creating worlds for herself and her friends and I envy her ability to do so.
There is a lot going on in my life at the moment and by starting to blog I am hoping that it will help me sort through the issues and see them more clearly; an essay plan for life, if you will! I am sure I will make mistakes in grammar and syntax but my aim is to not only sort through what is occurring in my head but to regain the joy of writing as if I were eight years old again.
This is the longest piece of text I have managed to achieve in a number of years so I shall leave it here for now. In my next post I will start to explain more where I am and why I am here!
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