All I Want for Christmas...

OH is coming home tomorrow and I will have him here for just over a fortnight. This is the first time he will have been home for more than 48 hours since August and I absolutely cannot wait. 


When he gets home we can start to do Christmas properly. At the moment we don't have the tree or any decorations up as we want to do it all together so Saturday will be filled with pine needles and tinsel (and probably arguments as well!). Pretty much all of the presents have been bought and are waiting for OH's superior wrapping talents as I get fed-up with it very quickly and don't exactly do a brilliant job. Christmas dinner this year is not just any Christmas dinner; it is coming courtesy of M&S and means I can pretty much just bung it in the oven and spend the time with OH and the kids instead of stressing in the kitchen.


I want to make the most of this Christmas as next year it will be DD's turn to spend it at her Dad's, so it won't feel quite right. There is also the possibility that OH may not be able to come home, depending on which submarine he gets drafted to so it could just be me, DS and the baby next year. Hopefully, with it being the baby's first Christmas he will be able to come home but if he is on patrol, it won't be possible.


Military personnel coming home for Christmas have been in the news a lot recently. Usually it is the Army or Royal Marines that get all of the press but the Royal Navy have been getting their faces on television a fair bit as of late. I know a couple of people that have been surprised to discover that the Navy go away for long deployments, just the same as the Army do!

Most of the country has probably seen this video by now but to link to the title of the post I thought I may as well share it. The crew of HMS Ocean thought they were going for a 7 week deployment but then the conflict in Libya happened and they ended up away for 214 days in total. This video was made (in the fine tradition of Royal Navy lip-synching videos) when they found out that they would definitely be home for Christmas.


Another video that I would like to share is this one:

and this one:
Military Wives Choir welcome home HMS Turbulent


Although I wouldn't recommend viewing the videos if you are wearing make-up and have to be somewhere quite soon! 


This year, I am getting what I want for Christmas and it looks like an awful lot of other military WAGs are getting their Christmas wish too. Plenty of our sailors, submariners, soldiers, Royal Marines and aircrew will be unable to come home however. Many families will be celebrating Christmas without one or more people and we all hope that they will come safely home next year.

'Wherever You Are' by the Military Wives Choir is available for pre-order now with proceeds going to the Royal British Legion and the SSAFA. Even if you have managed not to shed a tear at the lyrics and video, isn't it worth supporting two excellent causes AND stopping Simon Cowell having another number one?

To quote the marvellous Mrs. Doyle

"Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on"

You know you want to!

Are you there? It's me...

I've had a really bad day today. Nothing major has happened, it's just the usual stresses involved with being stuck in the house with a two year old. It's just been an awful day. I've been feeling really positive all week but it seems that the high has been entirely hormonal and today I have hit the worst come-down I have had for quite a few years.

Sometimes I love being by myself. I have a fairly low tolerance for other people; something I seem to have inherited from my Dad. I like to be by myself, doing my own thing and not having to deal with interruptions that I could do without.

Today, being by myself was horrible. DS doesn't count as company since he can't talk apart from to ask for Peppa Pig. I didn't even have DD to speak to as she was at her Dads.

Ever since OH went away, I have had people comparing my situation to being a single parent. I have been a single parent and believe me, this is a thousand times worse. As a single parent I went out to work, had people to take DD off me for the weekend and was massively relieved to be away from a destructive relationship. Admittedly, I usually wouldn't speak to anyone once DD had gone to bed but I spent the rest of the day in company, kept busy and it wasn't the worst thing in the world.

Now I am stuck in the house, never get a minutes' peace and miss OH ridiculously. It's not the same at all. 

I know I make things worse for myself because I'm just so goddamn good at coping. I've lived away from home for twelve years and since I've been an adult I have never been able to rely on people who are just around the corner. Maybe I should learn to stamp my feet and demand attention but the people that I need are already overstretched and I don't want to put extra pressure on them.

I know that this is just a blip and that I will more than likely wake up tomorrow feeling positive again but it worries me that I am capable of feeling so low for no discernible reason. A chat with OH tonight has perked me up and he will be home for Christmas in five days time so at least I have something to look forward to.

Sometimes though, it would be nice not to be so expected just to cope.

To quarter or not to quarter, that is the question.

In previous posts, I have alluded to our living situation and how this may change now that OH is away. The plan was initially for me to return to my home town to be near my family but now that 6 months have passed and the reality of being a RN WAG is sinking in, it is becoming clear that a move back home may not be the best option as it will not solve the essential issue of us being apart.


I have always been very resistant to the idea of moving with OH. He started the RN application process three years ago and I have always said that I won't be moving onto base. The main reason for this is that I have wanted to keep DD near her Dad to ensure that their relationship is preserved. I did think about moving back home when we split up but I am glad I have stayed put for those extra few years as it has given them a chance that they would perhaps not have had if we had relocated when she was younger.


However, things have changed in the five years since the split and the situation is not the same as it was when I made the initial decision to stay. At the moment, OH is coming home as often as he can but due to lack of funds, this is usually only once a fortnight on average. He gets a travel allowance but at the moment we are waiting for the local council to tell us whether he is allowed to use this to get home or whether this must go to pay our rent. There is likely to be a rant about this in a later post. So it may be that we see him even less than we do currently and of course when he is deployed, he will not be coming home at all. Due to his career choice, there will be large chunks of each year when we cannot even have any contact with him, making the time he is on land even more precious.


So, I have a really hard decision to make. Luckily, OH's job role will mean that he won't be hopping about from base to base and will probably stay in one place (when he's on land, anyway) for pretty much his whole career. Out of the bases he could have ended up at, he will be going to the one that is closest to our current location and it is not an unreasonable journey by train or by car.  


I've been thrashing out the pros and cons of MQ for a while now. So far, the pros far outweigh the one con - moving DD away from her Dad. I'm not saying that she'd never see him. In fact, as she is more likely to want to stay with him in blocks over school holidays, she will probably see him more than she does at the moment. It is just going to be the 'distance factor' that will cause issues although I have a fair few ideas on how to make that work as well.


The pros? Well, cost is a major factor. The most we will pay for a quarter will be £300 less than we are paying in rent at the moment and is likely to be even cheaper unless we are very lucky with the property! This means that we can stop relying on benefit to help with our rent and will still be slightly better off than we are at the moment.

OH will be home every night he is not working. Although he is exceptionally good at annoying me, he is quite useful to have around sometimes... I should be less exhausted and stressed and the kids will benefit from having us both there. It also means that he is more likely to be home for the first steps, the first words etc that he would almost definitely miss otherwise.


The community is another pro on the list. There are no phone calls, emails or blueys for submariners and I am dreading OH being away as although I am sure people will sympathise, even infantry at the frontline in Afghan will usually get a weekly phone call. Being with other families in the same position makes a lot of sense and although it won't be the same as having my family around, I have been told that the support network is the best there is.


There are other things that make us think that MQs are the way to go but even if it were just those three reasons, I think they are good enough. I need to be thinking about the family that DD and I have now, rather than the family we used to have. 


There is always the possibility that she will prefer to stay here with her Dad and that is a risk we will have to take although I am not sure she will be old enough at the age of 9 or 10 to make that decision. It may also be that I am prevented from taking her by the legal system although at the moment, the parental rights lie with me alone. It will be a 'cross the bridge when we come to it' situation I think.


Moving into married quarters will entail actually getting married and as I am not one of the lucky ones who 'bloom' when pregnant, that isn't going to be happening for a while yet. As I also tend to look like I've eaten my entire family by the time I give birth, I will also have a bit of weight to lose! So I'm not about to haul the family onto base in the next few months.


The decision has not been made and it will not be made for a fair while yet. I am still chewing over the options and trying to think of how I can do what is best for everyone. I think the question in the title of the post will still be on my mind for a long time to come.

We will remember them.

So, it seems that hormones and Remembrance Sunday don't mix. I got very emotional watching the ceremony at the Cenotaph this morning and it's a good job that the service wasn't followed by the donkey sanctuary advert or I would probably still be crying now. Luckily, it was followed instead by Sebastian Vettel having a first lap puncture which cheered me up no end!


It wasn't just the hormones though. I think this year was different as we are officially a forces family now. OH was at Westminster for the service in the Abbey and although I didn't spot him on TV at the Cenotaph, I am still stupidly proud of him. Obviously, he has not yet been deployed or seen active service but there is no doubt that this will happen in the near future.


OH is not the first family member in the military, however. DD had issues with wearing her poppy last year as some of the girls at school made fun of her for wearing it. When November 11th started to come round again, I was determined to make sure she wore it.

This year she was armed with the knowledge that OH is in the Royal Navy; her Great Grandma, Great Grandad and Great Great Uncle Ron were in the Royal Air Force during WWII; her Great Great Uncle Doug was in the Army and her Great Great Grandad served in the Army in WWI. There may be more but I only really know about my Mum's side of the family in this respect. 

So DD has worn her poppy with pride this year. I think being given permission by me to tell anyone giving her grief to "suck it" buoyed her confidence slightly. Maybe not the most adult of responses but I was having a juvenile moment at the time!


Remembrance Sunday and Armistice Day are two traditions in this country that we seem to continue to be proud of. No matter how many factions try and destroy the pride, the meaning of the poppy and the importance of the two minutes silence is being passed on through generations. The names of the fallen since last Remembrance Sunday were shown this morning during the ceremony and that list demonstrates how important it is that the country at large continues to show their respect, gratitude and belief in our armed forces, irrespective of what we may believe politically. I do think that the two can be separated.


To them, it's just a job. To us, it's much more than that. Lest we forget.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

I know, I know. It's been two months. I'm a very bad blogger. There has been a very good reason for the gap though - I'm rubbish at keeping secrets!


Those of you who are facebook friends will now know that OH and I are expecting another baby in May next year. I had my dating scan yesterday and everything is good so far which means I can finally break my silence. 


I've been staying clear of the blog as I knew there was no way I could not give it away. Especially since all I had to talk about was my inability to keep anything in my stomach and desperate need to sleep every minute of the day. I still can't keep food down and would cheerfully sleep until the baby is born but at least I can let people know why now.


DD is happy about the baby although she has specifically requested a sister, so hopefully she'll continue being happy after the next scan. DS doesn't have a clue what is going on but that's pretty much par for the course with him anyway. OH is obviously very chuffed, especially as we managed to conceive pretty much straight away and he credits this entirely to his 'super sperm'. I obviously had nothing to do with it at all...


There are days when I think we're totally insane to be having another one, mainly the days where DD and DS scream at each other constantly and I just want to run away! It's not going to be easy with OH being away although we're now talking about changing the long term plan. Now that I'm definitely not going to be going back to work for a while, there is no real reason for us not to be living as a family so looks like a wedding and married quarters will be on the cards at some point in the next year. This is going to cause problems in some areas but it'll solve more problems than it causes so I think I've been a bit daft being so resistant to it so far!


That's it for now but I'll be back shortly to have a good whinge about certain things that have happened in the last couple of months. This is not going to be the world's most stress free pregnancy by any means!

May contain nuts...

There is not a single sentence in the English language which irritates me more than the one in the title of this post. Three simple words regularly make me want to scream in frustration.


As some of you will know, I have a severe nut allergy and it is quite possible that a microscopic piece of food will one day kill me. So far, I have been lucky. I have had a few scares and one memorable overnight stay in hospital attached to a drip but I am still here to tell the tale.


Part of the reason for this is that I am very, very careful. I tend to cook a lot of my food from scratch and will carefully read the ingredient list for anything pre-made before buying it or putting it anywhere near my mouth. I am also fortunate that I have some kind of hyper-awareness built into my body that tells me when something is not quite right. I can smell a Snickers bar at 50 paces and have been known to get a very itchy throat when someone is eating nuts in the vicinity. I once had to use someone else's desk at work when my PC wasn't working - within half an hour I was itching all over as the usual owner of the desk had been eating nuts the day before and the residue must have still been on their keyboard.


It's peanuts and cashew nuts that are the fatal ones for me. Weirdly, neither are actually nuts - one is a seed and one is a pea! Other nuts will make me itch and vomit but just the smallest piece of the two biggies will make my body and airway swell, restricting my oxygen intake and eventually sending me into anapylactic shock.


Anaphylaxis is not a fun thing. I have luckily never progressed fully to that stage, although the last scare was very close and it was only my close proximity to the hospital at the time that prevented it from developing. I fully intend that I will never get to that stage. This however is much harder than you would think.


All of my life, I have had to contend with the people who are convinced that I merely 'don't like' nuts. Even a family member was adamant that I was just being fussy! 


Part of the problem is that the word 'allergy' is often confused with 'intolerance'. A food intolerance can result in migraines, bloatedness, sluggishness and stomach problems. It does not lead to death. 


Allergies can also be much less serious, for instance a pet hair allergy will usually make someone very uncomfortable but will rarely kill them. Nobody will bat an eyelid if someone says they are allergic to wasp stings or chlorine but for some reason, any food related allergies are written off as insignificant. I sometimes get the impression that people think that I am joking when I say "it will kill me". 


To be fair, most people who have known me for a while or who have had personal experience with severe allergies are usually very sympathetic. They know not to put out bowls of nuts at parties (there are few things worse than being ravenous and not being able to eat anything at a buffet due to cross-contamination), not to eat nuts before coming to visit and to take me seriously if my super-sense kicks in. They also know to save the boxes for any pre-made food that I am unfamiliar with so that I can check the ingredients. If I am not sure, I don't eat it. Better safe than sorry.

That brings me back to that dreaded sentence. Think about the phrasing. The word 'may' is key. I have lost count of the number of times I have been told "you can't have this - it may contain nuts". It may contain cat hair and half a dead mouse too but they don't put that on the flipping box. 


It has got to the point where I don't declare my allergy if I go out for a meal as I will more often than not be told that the vast majority of the menu is off limits. This omission may sound stupid considering how careful I usually am but having a whole food group banned from my diet is hard enough without being told that the pre-made sauce for the salmon may contain nuts and the chef is scared of getting sued so won't serve it to me. 


There is a big difference between the sentence 'may contain nuts' and 'contains nuts'. Both are found on packaging. 'Contains nuts' is a clear indication that the food will make me very ill, even if it doesn't kill me. 'May contain nuts' is an advisory note, nothing more. My general rule is that if there are no nuts listed in the ingredients then the odds of the food containing nuts are similar to the odds of it containing the aforementioned dead mouse.


I love my food and get very ratty when I am not allowed to make an informed choice. In my opinion, if a basic strawberry yoghurt 'may contain nuts' then someone needs to start cleaning the equipment more thoroughly. My world would be a much simpler place if the phrase 'may contain nuts' was removed from it.

Autumn days, when the grass is jewelled...

It was back to school this morning for DD. She is in Year 4 this year and is starting to look really grown up. Worryingly tall as well! We had the usual problems that accompany a school morning - DD needing to be crowbarred out of bed; spending more time staring into space with the spoon halfway to her mouth than eating her breakfast; and reading 'The Railway Children' rather than putting some clothes on but we did make it eventually. 


Watching her walk into the playground in search of her friends, I started to reminisce about my own days at primary school. I was very lucky in that I attended an excellent school and I have some very fond memories.


It was a very small school in terms of both the building itself and the number of children it could hold. There were only five classrooms and 140 children, so of course everybody knew everybody else. As the school was not big enough to be split into Infants and Juniors, there were often a number of children from the same family together in assembly, at lunch and at playtime. 


It was a Church of England school, connected by a small wooden bridge over the beck to the parish church where my parents were married and my sisters and I were baptised and although the area it was in was very much part of the main town by then, many people (including my Grandparents) still referred to it as 'The Village'. The parish priest came into assembly every Tuesday morning and the curate of the time was fed to the wolves in Friday assembly. Out of the four curates who were posted with the church whilst I was at the school, some did markedly better than others when it came to dealing with the children. Being asked to draw a picture of God by one of my sisters can't have been the easiest task in the world!


I was at primary school a fair few years ago and in those days there was much less interference from the government in terms of a hard and fast curriculum and targets. My year didn't do SATs until Year 9 and the closest we got to any kind of testing at primary school was the mental arithmetic each morning and the famous times table test in Class 5. I'm sure that my teachers did have certain things they had to teach us at certain times but it all seemed to be very ad hoc and due to this it was incredibly enjoyable. DD has had a set timetable for her lessons since Year 1 and has had homework since Reception class. There seems to be a lot to cram in to a week at school these days and although I am sure that focus groups and OFSTED are ecstatic about it, it doesn't seem to be that much fun for the children.


I am probably remembering through rose-tinted glasses but things were much less structured back then. If we were doing maths (Scottish Maths books - remember them?) before lunch and we were all getting on ok, we were allowed to continue after lunch. We didn't have to drop things and move onto something else. 


Time on the (now ancient but at the time very state of the art) BBC computers was given as a reward and an incentive. PE would make the HSE these days cry - clambering around untethered on rickety metal apparatus or playing shinty were my particular favourites. 


Creative writing was very much encouraged and if we were on a roll we could continue until the piece was finished. I despair when reading DDs exercise books as it is obvious she has not been allowed time to finish stories properly and has rushed the ending. Think Stephen King and you get the picture.


Our headteacher was allowed to teach, rather than being cloistered in his office completing paperwork. Our deputy head was also the class 5 teacher. Mums would come into school and help us with our reading and the dinner ladies were for the most part related to at least one child eating. 


We had proper assemblies every morning and we sang hymns and various other songs every day. I was surprised recently to hear Johnny Cash singing "Last Night I Had the Strangest Dream" and it occurred to me that it probably wasn't a hymn after all! There are some songs that instantly take me back to school and one of them popped into my head this morning to inspire the title of this post.


Alumni of Cockerton Primary - all together now:


"So I musn't forget, no I mustn't forget, to say a great big thank you, I musn't forget".

Stresshead? Moi?

I can't believe it's been almost a month to the day since I wrote my last post. It honestly doesn't feel that long and I'm quite annoyed with myself for letting it go that far. The blame lies totally with OH for coming home and distracting me!


OH is back at HMS Sultan now and the kids and I are starting to settle back into our routine. One thing I am finding harder this time is not being able to do a countdown as we don't know for definite when OH will be back again. All being well he will be allowed weekend leave from next week but actually coming home is very much dependent on funds being available from our household budget for his travel as the Navy don't do travel warrants any more.


He will be getting a monthly travel allowance but this obviously has to be declared for Housing Benefit and Tax Credit purposes so chances are we will end up with exactly the same amount of spare money at the end of it all - nothing. 


Train fare is obscenely expensive so OH will be hoping to car share with other people who happen to be driving up this way, hence us not knowing for sure when this will be. All being well, we should be in a position by next summer to get him his own car which will make life an awful lot easier and enable me to actually plan things. 


I'm a bit of a control freak and feel very uneasy when I can't plan ahead. I like knowing exactly what I am doing and when and I don't do spontaneity very easily. This drives people around me slightly insane. For instance, I am struggling at the moment with our budget as OH has been paid different amounts each month so far and I have the nagging feeling that something is a bit wrong somewhere. 


I have our budget on a very pretty Excel spreadsheet with fields that change automatically when different values are entered (this may sound very basic to most people but I'm not great with Excel and am still massively proud of being able to create this) but I have given up using it for the time being and have gone back to basics with a tally on an envelope in the kitchen drawer.


I'm not very good at putting nagging worries to the back of my mind and forgetting them. I tend to prod away at small niggles until they have opened up into great big festering, screaming traumas. When DD was little she was obsessed with the Mr Men and I felt a kindred spirit in Mr Worry - when the wizard took away his worries he worried about not having anything to worry about! My inability to chill out has driven people barmy for many a year and although this is a personality fault I am well aware of, I really am incapable of changing at this stage of my life.


OH is very laid back and I feel that we compliment each other well. I kick him into action every so often and he calms me down and talks me off the proverbial ledge on a much more frequent basis. The difficulty is times like this when he isn't here and I am sometimes in danger of losing the plot completely. 


At times like that the only real solution is to eat cheese, watch some wrestling and try and remember where I put my marbles. Think I may go and do that now.

When I grow up I want to be...

I have found it hard to think of a post topic this week but for once this has not been due to writer's block or due to being unhappy - I just haven't had time to get my brain in gear. The parade last weekend was fantastic - I didn't cry as much as I expected to do which was a good thing and I am just so incredibly proud of OH and his fellow recruits as they put on a fabulous show.


The trip to Cornwall wore me out and now OH has come home early for summer leave - seems being a submariner has it's perks - so I just haven't had any time to write.


I am thoroughly enjoying having OH home and DS is over the moon. DD is still on holiday with her Dad but will be back tomorrow afternoon and my little family will be complete again. Typically, the weather is rubbish but all being well we will have a couple of days of sunshine so that we can get out and about. It feels such a waste of the time we have to spend it in the house if we can possibly avoid it.


OH is home until the end of the month but then it will be back to just the three of us, at least during the week anyway as OH will try and get home on weekends as much as possible. DD will be going into Year 4 at school (second year juniors for those people who like me, think in 'old money') and DS and I will settle back into our routine. I think I have pretty much got the hang of this routine now so I want to do something a bit different and try and exercise my brain a bit, especially since I am no longer working. 


At some point, I do want to go back to work although as I have no idea where we will be living or when we will be able to afford the childcare cost, I really do not know what my next job will be. As I said in a previous blog post, I loved my old job but I don't think I will be going back to that kind of work. I would like to do something totally different but do not have a clue what that would be!


Something I know I would like to do however is get a few more qualifications. I have a number of GCSEs and three good A Levels but unfortunately did not complete my degree. There are a few reasons for this (a lack of money once I stopped working 2 jobs in order to concentrate on my third year, for one) but ultimately I just wasn't interested enough in the subject and the course to put the effort in to complete it. I regret not being as stubborn as I usually am when I requested to change courses in my first semester at uni and was talked out of it by my tutor. I don't know for certain that I would have completed the course I wanted to change to either but I think I would have been more motivated by the subject matter and that surely would have helped significantly.


In hindsight, having gained much better A Level grades than was expected of me I should have put university off for a year, got a job and reapplied to different courses the next year. There's not much I can do about my decision now though - hindsight is a fantastic thing but until it comes with a time machine it's pretty much useless.


This then begs the question, what would I have studied? I have never really known what I wanted to be when I grew up and was always the child who would change her mind every five minutes. I still do not know what I want to be and I am very nearly grown up now! I do wish that I had not cut myself off from science and maths after my GCSEs - I came out of school thinking that I was not that good at them when in reality I was, just not compared to the future Oxbridge brains of some of my classmates.

I have a nagging feeling that it is time to reawaken the science side of my brain so have signed up for a short Open University course for people who have not done science or maths for a few years (I think 14 qualifies as a few) and will start the course in October. All being well, my brain will not explode or leak out of my ears and I may possibly go on to do a longer course or even an open degree.


I don't want to end up doing a degree just for the sake of doing one though - that's really where I went wrong initially and I know that I would be even less motivated now after so long out of formal education. I intend to have fun testing the waters and seeing which subject (if any) jumps out at me and comes alive. 


Maybe I was meant to do this backwards - when I work out what I want to be, I can finally admit to being grown up.

2 more sleeps! The end is nigh.

The title of the post says it all really. 66 days down, 2 to go. Tomorrow morning I will be awaiting the arrival of my Mum and Step-Dad and we shall be driving down to Cornwall in preparation for OH's passing-out parade on Friday.


When I think back over the last ten weeks, it's amazing how quickly the time has actually gone. The first fortnight was by far the hardest - I was adjusting to being by myself and the kids were unsettled and making life very difficult. I knew OH was very homesick and I had to be strong when we spoke on the phone so as not to make things worse for him, which meant that I had to hide my emotions until after the call. 


My youngest sister, Laura was an absolute godsend during this time and would ring me a couple of times a day so I could 'unload'. My friend Claire was also fantastic and would take my mind off things by regaling me with gossip from my old team at work. I cannot thank Laura and Claire enough for keeping me sane through the last 10 weeks.


I have managed to keep myself fairly busy - as I've said in a previous post it is surprising how quickly a day goes even though I am at home. Writing this blog has helped and seems to have opened some other doors for me too. I fully intend to continue posting on a regular basis as putting my thoughts into words has become very satisfying and enjoyable once more. There are a number of things that will be happening in the next few months that hashing out in a blog post will help to sort through so this is certainly not going to stop.


I have to admit that I am tremendously nervous about Friday. I think the bulk of the nerves is the sense of anticipation - I haven't seen OH for almost 10 weeks and I'm so looking forward to first catching a glimpse of him in his uniform. When it comes to the actual parade, I know that I will be in floods of tears (which reminds me - waterproof mascara needs to be bought today!) and he is well aware that I am unlikely to let go of him all weekend. 


We will only have the weekend together as he has to go to his next base on Sunday afternoon, although he will be home for his 3 week summer break next Friday night. DD will be home from her holiday next weekend too and we will have 3 weeks together as a family before my Mum steals DD for the annual 'week of being spoilt rotten by Grandma'.


When OH got his date and I told people at work that he would be away for so long, many people said things along the lines of "I couldn't do that - I couldn't cope" and "you're a better person than me if you'll let him go". I put on a brave face as I honestly didn't think I would cope either but I have done it and I know now that when he is away living on base (more on that to come at a later date) and at sea, I can do it again.


I have a lot to do today so will leave this post here but I will be back next week and starting the countdown again (albeit a much shorter one). Thanks for reading.

CCCS - not just another employer.

Up until now, my posts have been very much linked to the title of my blog but today I would like to deviate slightly and talk about something else. As much as I would love to spend the next half hour watching Peppa Pig, I feel that there might be a slightly better use of my time available.

As those of you who know me will be aware, until recently I worked for the debt and money advice charity Consumer Credit Counselling Service (www.cccs.co.uk). I worked for them for 5 and a half years and I can honestly say that it was the best job I have had. One of the reasons for this is that I was genuinely proud of the work that they do and the real effect that this company has on the lives of many people.

For those of you who are not familiar with the work of CCCS, they are not a Debt Management Company (DMC) but are a charity and as such do not charge for the services they provide. They counsel people from all walks of life who, for whatever reason, have found themselves in financial difficulty and are unable to pay their liabilities. For some people, a chat with a counsellor and the creation of a realistic, sustainable budget is all that they need to bring things under control and get back in the black without any further assistance.

For others, a little more support is needed and Debt Management Plans (DMPs) are available, free of charge, to offer fair payments to creditors and help clients become debt free, however long it takes. Highly trained support staff are at the end of the phone or can be contacted by email to help reassure people who are in a worrying position, most for the first time in their lives.

Other services are on offer too - help with benefit advice, help with mortgage issues and detailed insolvency care to name just a few. For people who are not in trouble with debt, they have an online service that can help people put the money they have to better use, such as making sure they are adequately insured or are able to set aside money for a rainy day.

Today is the third CCCS #debtday on Twitter and it is worth searching for @moneyaware and following the activities throughout the day. The charity do not advertise at present and rely very much on word of mouth to get out to the people who need their help. If I had a pound for every client who had said to me "I wish I'd known about CCCS before things got this bad" I probably wouldn't be able to live in luxury but I would certainly have a better car!

As with all jobs, there were trials and tribulations during my employment but at the end of it all, I have a box of thank you cards and emails from clients and I think that shows that what CCCS do is vital, especially in the current climate. 

Ironically, I went for the job initially as it was one of the few that did not want a credit check doing which was very important to me in my post-university years! My experiences have led to a much better understanding of budgeting and money management and I know that the lessons I have learnt will be passed down to DD and DS.

So if you think you might need a helping hand with your finances, give them a call (0800 138 1111) or check out the website. If you are on top of your money, still check out http://www.facebook.com/moneyaware and read the blogs - there is no such thing as too much information when it comes to keeping in the black.

Thank you CCCS. Bigging up - done!

Bored. Boring. Bored.

The purpose of this blog was initially to get over my writer's block which it did seem to do at first. The lack of words came back with a vengeance over the last fortnight though. It has become apparent that my ability to write is directly linked to my mood and unlike the tortured artists out there I cannot put words on screen when I am unhappy.


It is very tempting just to forget about writing but I need to push myself and get something out. When I write a blog post and receive good feedback from readers it makes me feel happy so it is counter-productive to stop writing entirely due to my mood. I have also been asked to write a post for my ex-employers so thought I should probably warm my brain up on my own blog first!


The reason for my unhappiness is for once not to do with OH being away although that isn't helping. As ever, money is the root of all evil and misery. It's very frustrating to be struggling to get ourselves straight and although we know that the lack of cash is only going to be for a year or so, it doesn't help with the immediate problems of rent, bills and food! It's quite scary to think that if both OH and I were working we would be even worse off than we are now due to the added burden of childcare with little or no help from Tax Credits due to the new thresholds. 


The shortage of money and the appalling summer we are having in terms of weather means that I am forced to spend most of my days at home with DS and we are both bored to tears. This isn't good for either of us but there are very few free indoor activities that will get us out of the house. There is also a limit to what we are able to do indoors. He takes after his father in terms of having zero attention span and any attempts to paint, colour or bake with him will result in a tantrum five minutes into the activity. He is far more interested in breaking things and taking things apart than any constructive work whatsoever. Hopefully, over the summer holidays he and DD will be able to entertain themselves as she seems to be far better at occupying him than I am.


There are now less than two weeks before OH is home for the weekend and I can't wait. We will still be skint but just having him around will be such a change from the last two months. We also won't have time to be bored :)

Is it that time already?

It's funny how quickly a new routine becomes the norm. I've been on my own without OH for 6 weeks now and to be honest, the time is now flying by. It doesn't seem like it's been a full week since I was so happy that we'd hit the magic halfway mark but it has and we're now into the last month of Part 1 training.

One of the things I was most worried about when I handed my notice in at work was that time would drag and every day at home would feel like a lifetime. The first couple of weeks did indeed seem like a year but the human brain is a marvellous thing and it seems that there is a secret Stay at Home Mum survival section which allows time to pass quickly. It must be linked to the bit of the brain that cancels out memories of pregnancy and labour.

If anything, my days are passing more quickly at the moment than they ever did at work. DS and I have settled into a pattern which suits us both although this will probably change during the 6 weeks holiday when DD is at home as well. It's not like I'm filling my days with toddler groups, coffee mornings or play dates either although at some point I suppose I will need to get round to 'socialising' DS. I hate that word though; he's a toddler, not a dog! 

I always wondered how DD never seems to know what she has done at school, as if I drop her off to stare at the wall for 6 hours but now I have some appreciation that 6 hours goes really fast and her brain is probably in a whirl when I pick her up. I have lost track of time and been shocked that it is already 3 o'clock and time to leave the house on a number of occasions recently.

At work, days seemed to drag, even when I was busy. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed my job - but the working week lasted forever. There were certain milestones within the week to get past and marking these became my way of counting down to the weekend.

Monday morning's first appointment was always a hurdle; mostly complicated and made worse by not really being awake. Getting through that was such a relief.

Tuesday was usually broken up nicely by Team Brief but that was not always a good thing! Team Brief Tuesday's had a habit of being quite draining. Once again however, getting through it meant I could tick off one more hurdle on my mental list.

Wednesday was the half-way point and usually marked by Coops or Fiona exclaiming that we had broken the back of the week when we made it to lunchtime unscathed. 

Thursday was made remarkable by the reappearance of Claire (my part-timer best friend) and the catching up on a couple of days of gossip, despite usually having spoken on the phone at least once a day that week so far. 

Friday was my favourite day. It would start with a text from or to Claire, asking "shall we do breakfast?" as if there was every any doubt in the matter. It got to be such a routine that Nosh didn't even need to ask our order. As well as being Breakfast Day, it was the only day of the week that both Claire and Laura (my other part-timer friend) were in the office and this made the day go much quicker. Before long it was the weekend but even this was tainted by the knowledge that Monday was not far off and the countdown would begin again.

I suppose it's possible that counting the days when at work actually made things worse. Perhaps the reason why time is moving more quickly now is that I no longer think in terms of specific hurdles to get over but concentrate on weeks to go instead. Children seem to have the right idea when they count 'sleeps' to an event they are looking forward to. My brain seems to have made the necessary adjustments to help me cope; as well as making time speed up, it has also added a mute button to the part of my head that used to be unable to ignore CBeebies. I think that helps.

28 sleeps.

Who needs their family? I do!

I have had the title of this post in mind since Monday when I watched The Simpsons with DD and saw Apu sitting on top of the house, singing about his Kwik-E-Mart. It's ever so easy to pretend you don't need something but there are times when it is more beneficial to admit to the need. Apu realised this after putting on a brave face in front of the Simpson's for their trademark song and dance number. As Homer says, "He lied to us through song!". The reason for this post? It is time for me to stop pretending that I don't need my family.

My family are naturally concerned about me at the moment. I was having a bad time of it a couple of weeks ago and now they all want to check up on me and make sure I haven't lost it completely! My Mum and Step-Dad came to see us for the day yesterday and I think now Mum may stop worrying as she has seen that the kids and I are fine. My baby sister is coming to stay at the weekend and my middle sister will be coming in a few weeks time. I have spoken to my Dad but we're both as useless as each other when it comes to remembering to pick up the phone. I get my tendency to forget why I have gone into a room from him, I think. The concern is apparent though and it is much appreciated.

I've always been the more independent of the three sisters. I left home at 18, moved to university and have stayed 60 miles away from my home town for the last twelve years. I have resisted moving back even though there have been many times when I could have easily done so. Even then I always managed to justify staying away.

Now that OH will be away for long periods of time and I have given up work, I can no longer find excuses and must admit to myself that I miss my hometown and my family.

In the few months between OH receiving his joining date and leaving work, I was asked countless times when I would be moving onto base with him. The answer was always "I'm not - I'm staying here". Now that reality has kicked in however, the answer has changed slightly. I still will not be moving onto base with him (for reasons that I may explain in a later post) but it is time to move myself and the kids further north and return home.

The simplest reason for this decision is the need for support - not just for me but for DD and DS as well. When my sisters and I were little, my Mum's parents were a big influence in our lives. We spent a lot of time at their house and we have many very happy memories of the garden, the mantelpiece and the pantry! DD and DS have a variety of grandparents and step-grandparents scattered around the country and although they love them lots, it is a shame that they don't get to see them more often. I know my Mum is frustrated that she can't help me as much as she would like to and I think that she may relax a lot more when she has the kids (and me as well) nearby. The support won't just be a one way street, either. As much as we like to think of parents as invincible, they have bad times too and being closer to home will help both sides.

My sisters have wanted me to come home for many years but I have always maintained that we get along better with a few miles between us. Memories of constant arguments and one sister always being left out of things that the other two were getting up to stopped me from putting myself back into that situation. Now that we are older and (possibly) more sensible, the three of us can be the shoulders to cry on, the arms to lean on and the feet to dance with that we all need.

To my family: I love you all, I miss you and I need you. I'll be home soon xxx

It's the little things that make me smile

I was quite surprised to find that I really enjoyed writing yesterday and that the words came much more easily than I expected. I'm tempted to go with the theory that my writing dried up during a period of great unhappiness and even though I am not at my most sparkling just at this moment, I am generally settled and extremely happy with my OH.

It is easy to forget that life is not all tears and tantrums, especially with a two year old in the house who regularly provides plenty of both. There are times when I am desperate for five minutes peace which never seems to come. Even when I am low however, there are little things that never fail to make me smile and remember that I am very lucky indeed.

This morning for instance, I received a picture message on my mobile phone. To explain, I watched 'Civvie to Sailor' yesterday which followed a group of Royal Navy recruits through Part 1 training at HMS Raleigh. I enjoyed seeing the base where OH is living at present and it was good to have an idea of what he is doing in his training. When I spoke to him last night I mentioned that I can't wait to see him in his uniform when I attend his passing out parade - he said that I should see him in his day to day uniform as well as the ceremonial dress. So he sent me a picture. I cannot actually convey in words how proud I am of him but I have had a smile on my face all morning from that one small gesture.

There are other small things that make me smile too: when DD announces that her Slam Attax collection is now "bigger than Jefferson's and that is so cool"; when DS tries to sing along with the theme tune to 'Small Potatoes'; when my baby sister calls me and a photo of us at Party in the Park flashes up - randomly selected by my phone but guaranteed to make me smile and think of McFly.

I try and make sure that little things make other people smile too. Buying a pack of Slam Attax for DD when she has had a long day at school will always provoke a smile (and a hug too, as long as we're not in public). Popping some fresh peas from the pods into a bowl for DS results in lots of jumping up and down, accompanied by shouts of "peas, please!". Sending a photo of the kids or a drawing from DS to my OH also hopefully results in the same effect. Although maybe with less jumping.

I am determined to turn the recent upheaval into a positive thing for my family and that requires me to be positive as well. The little things that make me smile go a long way towards helping with the positivity and remind me that not only is life not all bad, it is very good indeed.

Mum, where's Daddy?

As it is Father's Day it seems appropriate that my second post should be to explain the title of the blog.

Four weeks ago today, my fiance got the train down to HMS Raleigh to start his Part 1 training as an ETME(SM) in the Royal Navy. The longest we have been apart before now in the three and a bit years we have been together has been 2 nights and that has only happened three times. Needless to say, the last month hasn't been easy and although I am settling into the routine now I know it is going to continue being very difficult for some time to come.

My daughter knows where he has gone and knows when we will see him again. She is used to upheaval unfortunately and has become quite adept at coping and settling down. She has spent half of her life living between two parents in two houses and it helps that she is eight going on eighteen, I think.

Our son however is only two and this has been a big shock for him, especially since he has had Daddy all to himself at home for the last year whilst I was at work. At present he is learning to join words together in small sentences, so it didn't take long for him to come out with the heartbreaking question "Mum, where's Daddy?". I can't explain to him where Daddy is in a way that he will understand as "Daddy's at work" doesn't quite cut it when he has been used to me coming home from work at 5pm and expects Daddy to come home on an evening as well. He is also too young to have any concept of time so the tools that would be so useful for a slightly older child (a calendar counting down the sleeps until we see him again for instance) aren't appropriate at this stage.

He has now thankfully stopped looking out of the window and shouting for Daddy every time he sees our neighbour (who did the station run for us so I could avoid sobbing on the platform) come home in the car. He has found a passport photo of his Dad and has been carrying it round with him, showing it to his toys and occasionally (rather disturbingly) licking it! He 'speaks' to Daddy on the phone on a weekend and has a huge smile on his face when he does so.

The one positive side of his age at the moment is that as he grows up, this will be the norm. Daddy works away. The decision to rejoin the Navy was born from the need to be a Dad that our son can be proud of - someone who loves what he does for a living. In the long run the decision will pay off.

So this Father's Day, we will have to be content with a phone call and some chocolate sent with the card in the post. There will be many other days and weeks in the future where Daddy is not here and Father's Day will become a floating date in the calendar depending on leave, travel warrants and many other details. Our son will learn that Daddy is away to give us a better life and we all love him very much for it.

Go away writer's block!

During a recent discussion with a friend regarding a post from her blog, the topic of my long-standing writer's block was raised. My friend suggested that I start a blog of my own and see if getting back into the habit of writing would help. So here I am.

I used to write all the time when I was younger. It seemed that my brain couldn't hold all the ideas so they came spilling onto paper on a regular basis. I would write stories, diaries, songs and poems but for some reason the ability to pour forth my ideas dried up whilst I was at university. That was more than a decade ago and I have struggled to write ever since.

I now have an eight year old daughter who loves to write. She spends hours at her desk creating worlds for herself and her friends and I envy her ability to do so.

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment and by starting to blog I am hoping that it will help me sort through the issues and see them more clearly; an essay plan for life, if you will! I am sure I will make mistakes in grammar and syntax but my aim is to not only sort through what is occurring in my head but to regain the joy of writing as if I were eight years old again.

This is the longest piece of text I have managed to achieve in a number of years so I shall leave it here for now. In my next post I will start to explain more where I am and why I am here!